So far, so good...

I've survived the first four days of my 39th year. It was a nice celebration of husband, friends, sushi, and shopping. I wake each day with a little trepidation knowing I'm one day closer to the BIG 4-0. Everyone says it's traumatic. I think not. No one can know what it's like to walk through each day wondering if the next will come.

I wonder about heaven and hell. I don't believe. I just wonder. I think people believe in those things because they are afraid to think about the nothingness that comes with death. I sometimes like to think that my sister is looking down upon her children and watching them grow. Guiding their decisions. But that's all just a fantasy.

Remember, Atreyu and the Nothingness? Isn't that what it was called? It was the unknown. It was the end. Destruction. There's no Atreyu or Sebastian now.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life...I hope.

Today is my 39th birthday. It's been a rather pleasant day so far, kind of. I got a card from a colleague. Another made me some gluten-free chocolate cookies. She can't have wheat, so to be included in our little celebrations she usually gets stuck making something sweet. We all eat it. We are getting used to the differences.

My new, wonderful husband sent me flowers and balloons! What a sweet, compassionate man. The entire weekend is going to be about us. I'm looking forward to it. But there's been something in the back of my mind for months now...

My stepsister died on Memorial Day. She was 39. She suffocated in a bean bag in her daughter's room. It was a result of recently diagnosed sleep apnea and one too many beverages.

The point is...now I'm 39.